Humour Competition 2011

 

“It is hard to be humble when you are perfect in every way. I can’t wait to look in the mirror ‘cos I get better looking each day. To know me is to love me!” Scott  Davis wrote this 60’s song just for me ...

To be humble as I never makes mistakes, For the rest of you gentlemen ... to err is human and to blame has management potential!

Madam Chairman, dear Judges and especially ladies, you will agree that tonight you look at the ultimate in male beauty. Tall, dark and very, very handsome. I have muscles in places where you guys do not even have places!! A specimen of eternal youth. I tend to live forever ,.. so far so good!.

Not so obvious is that I also had sophisticated surgery recently to enlarge my skull by 30% to accommodate the need for room for my ever expanding brain. For the rest of you ;it is scary as the brain never stops working until we start speaking in public.

Gentlemen: eat your heart out, you will never make it! You feel mediocre tonight, I am sorry for you. As any action are followed by an overreaction!

Who to thank you now may ask? Nobody else but Richard, Richard Branson! (Show banner). This is your great moment; Follow me to enter the sacred hallways of Virgin Active Gym! It is a cross between Buckingham palace, Emerald casino and a horse stable

We stand on the second Monday of January 04:50 in a sixty deep queue waiting entry. This is New Year’s resolutions at it very worst. Remember ... that the probability of someone watching us is proportional to the stupidity of our action.

Eventually we cleared the system to eagerly be awaited by Personal trainers. Ladies who just stepped off the front page of Cosmopolitan. All 21 of them in eastern Pretoria vow to slim you down, tone your body, work on you image. None do blood pressure, cholesterol or general fitness. They have more important stuff to do, they make us beautiful!

It is scary when we think that good health is the slowest way to die!

Each newbie receives a mole skinned notebook with complicated instructions to be religiously followed en-route to physical adoration. Their motto: if we cannot convince them, well then confuse them!

Two weeks later, back to normal, 85% of the newbies gone, difficult to understand but the gym wring their hands in delight after pocketed a full year’s subscription and no need to clean up anymore.

We do find the odd one returning, once a month, expensively dressed in Nikes and Adidas, to clock in, be seen just to leave earning points in that greatest invention of all time: Discovery Vitality!

Now follow me to the spinning room. Loud active types cycling away under influence of loud rock music led by a pedalling screaming role model. They are like working with teenagers. It takes 2 years to teach them to stand and talk, then 16 to tell them to sit and shut up..

Next door in the studio some 100 beauties, dressed to kill, hair done and blow dried in the wee hours of the morning dance away kickboxing. They belief in laughing at our problems as everyone else does..

Then the loners like me, “leave us alone we, we know what we do..” typically on the running machines, iPods stuck in our ears to avoid conversation.

Then, the utmost of masculinity you can dream of. They park on the yellow line or the paraplegic site, take the lift to the 1^st floor. They wear their tattoos on their shoulders and wear sleeveless shirts to show it all. The come in twos, one doing the moaning and groaning, one the admiring. Looking at them is like watching the evening news starting with “Good Evening!” then proceed by telling us why it is not.

The rest of society: “I have got a training cycle in my garage”, “we walk daily with the dogs”, “I spent R2500 annually on gym fees” Spending money and having expensive gear does not make you fit ... it is like standing in your garage will never turn you into a car!

So...dear ladies what is the secret, you may ask, of my pinnacle of physical and mental success?

Visit Mr Branson 4 times a week, summer and winter, push your heart beat up to about 140 a minute. Push those irons without anybody admiring. Spin away if you love noise or kick box.

Bad news: exercise does not slim you down, it does the opposite. When peering onto the scale; remember the rule of three: Three things should not enter your mouth: A knife, a fork and especially not a spoon!

Then this expanded brain of mine: we do not exercise for our bodies; we do it for our minds. It is the first barrier against depression, the first light at the end of the tunnel for a better self-image, the first kick to a new life.

So, I know you hate me for what is to happen now ... I am leaving you..

“It is hard to be humble when you are perfect in every way. I can’t wait to look in the mirror ‘cos I get better looking each day. To know me is to love me!”